Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
