its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
