the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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