I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
