Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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