I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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