I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
