Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
