Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
