Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
