Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
cat food counts as protein by the way
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
