i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
