P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
