She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
