So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
