There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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