Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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