never play flip cup with pint glasses
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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