Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
