fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
