I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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