haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
