So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
