im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
