I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
