I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So much Jack, so little girl.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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