i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
