So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
