Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
