I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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