Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
