so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
