I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
