Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
