Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
