Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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