I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
