I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
