I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
