The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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