A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
