SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
