Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
