I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
