I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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