She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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