I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
