God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
