hotel room ftw
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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