Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
