The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Acid is not a monday night drug
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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